Dear 206.124.134.64:

It all depends. If you mean the Mexicans you invited over for the holidays, then keeping a few things in mind will help you insure that they run far, far away from your domicile.

1. As EVERYONE knows, Mexicans are very dirty and unclean. We are born this way, and we like to stay this way. Simply leave lots of soap and perfumy objects in each room of the house. This will instigate a genetic repulsion in the Mexican soul, and José or María will find themselves physically unable to sit in the room for more than a few moments.

2. WHATEVER YOU DO, do not send your woman in to oust José by herself. Even layered in the grime and grease that oozes from the Mexican keratin cell, Mexicanos remain freakishly magnetic. They are very seductive, almost like vampires. Before you can even relax into a good episode of Friends, José will be all up in your woman, and that will be the end of things. Before you know it, you'll have ten kids running around, and they will ALL want to grow up to be gardeners and hotel cleaning women. So make sure you always work in twos when approaching the oh-so-suave Mexicano—unless you want your lady eating buttered maize out of José's pocket.

3. As is historically proven, Mexicans have very rural-ey, primitive minds. Technology scares the hell out of us! Simply send your houseguests a text message that reads We're out of Adobo and you'll turn around to an empty living room. Guaranteed.

4. As a consequence of #3, Mexicans are very scared of books and learning things. That's why 92% of all Mexicans in Mexico are gardeners! We don't want to study, we are not good at figures, and frankly, paco: we are genetically poor spellers. I'll admit it. Mexicans mostly just want to walk outside and pick tomatos. So if you leave lots of scholarly books around the house (especially tomes with impeccable use of propositions and words like "tome"), you will be amazed at how suddenly your unwanted guests turn into your yard help! (And isn't that really where they belong?)

NOW DEAR GOOGLER, IF YOU ARE SPEAKING OF Mexicans that are already in "America," that's a bit tougher. As the recent May Day marches demonstrated, there are a lot of those Mexicans and a lot of Mexikin, and a lot of Mexicans' friends. So you should not make any fast moves. Especially if you like paying reasonable prices for produce.

Additionally, it would be unfair of me not to highlight the danger of attacking Mexicans. I'm sure you've seen the many movies that make it clear how careful one should be when dealing with these people. (The Greaser's Gauntlet (1908) was an early and seminal eye-opening cautionary tale on their dangerous ilk, as was The Greaser's Revenge and actually, the entire series of Greaser films (Hell, they were the movies that even taught America we were "Greasers" rather than "Mexicans" or "Indians"), not to mention Sergeo Leone and Sam Peckinpah's contributions). There's an undeniable theme to these stories! Do you think they just make this stuff up, carnál?

No. Us Mexicans are genetically mandated to attend special training camps on the borders of Mexiran that teach us to be knife fighters, drug dealers and gang members, so you best come with serious backup, vato!

A warning: Our mujeres are especially dangerous. Do not be visitin' no harm on them unless you want your soul destroyed. As shown in Quentin Tarentino's From Dusk Til Dawn (1996), these border-hopping women can turn into undead ghouls and eat your flesh. Then you will have to shoot them all dead, just as in the movie. (A fine bunch of sequences included where these brave American boys lay waste to scores of those evil, undead Mexicanas.)

I suggest you approach with many garlic crucifixes. All Mexicans are so enamored of the Conquistadores "Holy Religion" to this day that we will prone out upon being faced with any Cross over 12" tall. It's true! Then when your local Mexicans are face-down in the dust mumbling about The Blessed Guadalupe, you can squirt laundry detergent all over them, and they will dissolve like the Wicked Witch of the West. Bring garlic crucifixes, soap, and plenty of bland food.

Finally, as Mexicans are all very superstitious, you should really pepper your approach with some sort of incantation....

Maybe take a cue from Chico and the Man's dialogue, where the Ed Brown character tells Chico to "get out of here and take your flies with you!"

This concludes today's installment of Ask Nezua. If you were doing the search for someone else, 206.124.134.64, then please pass along the information, as it could mean the difference between life and death!.

Adios, amigo!

—nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez