With the death of Bush's hero, we ought to stand a moment—hand on the heart and rousing anthems in the background—and consider some of Bush's (and of course, our) other heroes.

As a Good Murkan, my thoughts go out to Bush's (co-)idol, Ronald Reagan—the unheralded master of Secrecy and the Colgate Smile. My thoughts go out (like little secret helicopters) to his, oh—his Gipperish warmth. Ronnie (If I may be so intimate) refused to punish or condemn Chile for what all those Nasty Leftists were whining about as "Human Rights Violations"). He saw humans all the same—civilians, civilian-massacring militaries, human rights violators, drug lords. He united us all with his shining, porcelain love.

As a Good Murkan, my thoughts are with the Nixon administration, which not only served as a springboard for Dick "Hiccup Trigger" Cheney and Donald "Angerchow" Rumsfeld and an inspiration for our current administration, but who also did its best to overcome the wayward will of Chileans and bring about them a true, strong, idealistic leader like Pinochet. These men understood that helping to institute a chaotic and dark time period that favored America's interests would make our nation stronger. And in the bargain, would drive many, many Chileans from their own country and even into graves! I think it's important to send the right message today to all these unruly Latin Americans that Murka will not accept any of thier collectivist, communist ideologies—like pooling votes and using the greatest amount to decide a President. I mean...it's creepy!

Bush's Murka commending Chile for "building a society based on freedom, the rule of law, and respect for human rights" is like puking your guts up at a keg party, and having Mel Gibson staggering up behind you to request your presence at a toast he is making to celebrate your sobriety.

School history books, pah. You are actually better off reading comics. At least then you'll be aware that you're absorbing someone's fantasy world.