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5 de Enero, 2007
Stunning Ignorance
Categorized under Palabras | Tags: personal
I HAVE TO ADMIT, I didn't much like her the first time I met her. But I didn't really care too much, either. She was in a distant orbit, and I didn't have to deal with her. I was glad, because she was a bit hard to take. "Jennifer," I'll call her, was one of those people who seem to have lived their entire life unconfronted. Some would say "spoiled," although I prefer "crazy." The kind of Crazy that comes from running rampant with no real lessons, discipline, guidance, or challenge. Living in a sputtering vacuous wind of your own misunderstandings, imagination, and the desire to be Something Special with no real direction, achievement, or wisdom. The kind of Obnoxious that comes from somehow thinking that in your early 20s you know everything about everything, can be told nothing, and can speak to others with pure condescension dripping like little poison sugarshits all over your unwilling audience.
I had let this girl (who had to have been in diapers when I was about 18 years old) speak snidely to me for months. Because, well, I saw her as sort of a little, unruly brat who wasn't aware of her own (glaring) limitations. And also because I had no need to correct her. I knew it would not go well if I were to say much to her at all. Because she brooked no dissent, and even the idea that you may know one tiny fact that she did not (even though she had lived in one rural area her entire life and you may have traveled the country for yours) was not something she could accept. I also didn't really take it personally, because hell—she spoke to everyone this way. It was sad, in a way. Watching Jennifer operate was like watching someone under a spell, a delusion, a detached illusion that they were something and someone they clearly were not. But the Sad wore off when I had to deal more directly with her amazingly layered ability to not see the truth of things, or the effects she had on those around her.
The great thing about being an adult who is not, say, enslaved, or beholden to some Master's will is that you do things the way you like. If you like to wear one sock, you do so. If you like to walk with coffee every morning, you do. If you like to drink iced tea that has been steeped for three days before it is poured, you have the right to make that decision. It is not only in the large decisions (like if you can go to the bathroom when you want, or leave the house or state when you want), it is also in the very small decisions (like if you eat meat, wear your hat backward, or take one sugar instead of three) that a person defines their autonomy, and right to think of themselves as an equal, a grown person, a human who determines their own destiny.
I like to pour my coffee water boiling. I like to boil it, and pour it as it is at the boiling point. I do not like to let my boiled water sit for minutes and cool down, and then pour it. It may be a small point, but it is mine. And as an adult who is a free man and beholden to nobody's capricious or selfish whim, I claim it is my right to pour my water boiling and to not have to defend it or justify it.
When I came into the kitchen and my water had already boiled and been turned off, I knew someone had shut it off and not told me. So I asked that it be turned back on (so I could make my coffee as I always do—with boiling water).
But of course, Jennifer (being in the room and right next to the stove) could not let this pass. She said to me—as a way of refusing my request, and of course, in her typical "you're a shmuck who knows nothing" voice—"It's obviously hot." And she didn't budge. But I was not in the mood. And any tension between us had been getting worse since I had been told (by Jennifer's mother) that Jennifer's husband had been talking shit about me behind my back. I simply had no patience left for this Child of Snot who saw fit to talk to me as if I were her unwanted object—and in front of others. This was the most directly rude she had been to me, and as someone who has studied human behavior closely for years, I knew there were two directions: bow, or stand. And let me tell you, if you are ever in this spot and you bow? You have just begun a long career of bowing. And i quit that job a long, long time ago.
"Oh, is it?" I asked her, cranking my own voice into one mirroring hers. "Is it obviously hot?" Someone (not her) turned the burner back on, as an adult who respects other free adults' wishes would do—and without forcing them to justify thier wishes under a rain of disrespect. "You're such a bright girl, Jennifer," I said, dishonestly. "Thank you." And I left the room.
Of course this was not the end of it.
Later that night, I was sitting on the couch watching a movie (the second time I was trying to get through it) and who comes to the door but Jennifer and her husband, wanting to "clear things up." Amazing. This was the fool who has been talking all kinds of smack behind my back, claiming things that I did not do, and then smiling to my face. Here he comes with his wife, the Queen of All Creatures and Places and Things on Earth who is so very sorely offended that I dared speak to her, for once, with the tone she sees fit to drop on anyone in her path. In fact, the reason I had not confronted her husband on his bullshit was because, you see, I have a hot temper at times. So I've learned to keep away from things that I don't see improving, or things that I may be too emotional to deal with. And when someone pretends to be my friend but then turns out to be false...it's usually best for me to keep away. Because this makes me very, very, very angry.
Plus, he's a kid. I don't mean that condescendingly, because I have friends of any age. I do not begin thinking of someone as "old" until they become crowded in by their fears. And I do not begin thinking of someone as "a kid" until they act like a blowhard know-it-all with a decent vocabulary but no humility or self-awareness. So my assessment is not actually age-based. Age gives these judgments their potential, tho'.
I think it was when Queen Jennifer said to me—in her I'm So Patient and Communicative While I Explain Your Flaw voice—"I just don't want to be treated like a second class citizen," that I began to see red. Because you see, a Second Class Citizen is the type who doesn't get to decide how to make their own food or drink. And I was trying to watch a movie, not deal with some insane, hypocritical 24 year old with a bad case of Projection. So I lost my temper a bit. I don't remember what I said, exactly. I told her husband that I thought he was full of shit and that, frankly, I didn't like him. And Jennifer? I don't even know if I bothered trying to honestly explain, and certainly not after she rolled her eyes when I began, and looked away from me. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that that's a face you reserve for those you don't respect. Like Second-Class Citizens.
I don't mind if you are ignorant, stupid, mean, or plain crazy. Just be aware of what you are and how you are acting and treating others. And know that you will not bring it on me without response.
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Comentarios (10)
Professor Zero dijo:
Aja - at last a place where I can say: today I sent a present (for Reyes - Jan 6) to an old friend/former friend I visited last summer, and stayed with, but did not contact again, even to thank.
Why: she was rude and intrusive to her kids (in upper teens), and wanted me to participate, which I found very uncomfortable. She was also rude to me. I don't think she means ill, but the behavior was pretty uncool in my view. And none of us knew what to do but squirm, because she was the Mother, the Wife, the Hostess.
She knew about my blog and just after I left she read it, and decided one general comment I had made was about her (not true), and that all the readers knew me in person, i.e. that the blog was my way of keeping in touch with family and friends. She wrote me to complain about this: if all of these things were true, I would have been badmouthing her to people we both knew. I wrote back and said look, most people I know, don't know about the blog, and most people who know about the blog, don't know my actual identity, and my comment about patriarchy was not written with any single individual in mind, nor intended to point to any. Didn't hear again.
So I never said anything like, thank you for your hospitality. That's why I sent the present, with no comment except happy reyes/new year. I'm not sure I want a response ... this person has been a friend but I don't know if there's anything to "work out." I've wondered whether, if asked by her WHAT HAPPENED, I should say anything. Was I being oversensitive in thinking she was rude, etc.?
So your post is therapeutic: if asked, I'll say what's on my mind...
Palabras por Professor Zero spat forth on el 5 de Enero, 2007 at 06:54 PM
luisa dijo:
I am sure princess Jen totally understands what 2nd class citizenship is like--because she just moved here from Mexico, I assume. :)
Maybe you are one of those freak-out-or-shut-down people? I am sort of dealing with that now. I think it stems from not being assertive. I get angry and lash out or I keep quiet, making things worse and needing to clean up a bigger mess in the end.
The shitty thing about it is that she probably doesn't even remember how/when she disrespected you in the past because she does not respect you--it wasn't that big of a deal in her eyes to treat you badly. to her and her spouse, you might just look like you became upset over water and then you had to give them the run down of what the conversation was really about. that sucks.
I hate dealing with people who think they are entitled to treat others however the fuck they want. it is really a form of cultural racism to assume that your way is the best way--like that the water was hot enough. maybe for her but not to you. not that this is a cultural thing but i think the idea relates.
...
on self-determination:
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." -Nietzsche
(just because...)
p.s. i hate those fucking arrogant 24-year-old wipper snappers! they think just because they live in a capitalist culture that adores their youth, they can act however they want!
(luisa proudly types while pondering the virtues of being 25).
Palabras por luisa spat forth on el 5 de Enero, 2007 at 07:17 PM
luisa dijo:
"if asked, I'll say what's on my mind.."
-Cero
Cero, you are a polite one. i like that. Don't mind me, I'll just call jen a cultural imperialist without being asked at all. i'd love to call jen the b-word but i don't want to be sexist. maybe i am showing my age/ms-know-it-all-ness?....
Palabras por luisa spat forth on el 5 de Enero, 2007 at 07:27 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
i am not a freak out or shut up person, actually.i've worked a long time to be assertive and i am. i am assertive without being aggressive, and it took me a while to get there. but i can go to rage sort of fast once i feel people are being underhanded. i've also developed an impatience for explaining things, at times, that i feel are obvious. i know that's not so good. but there it is. i am never impatient if someone earnestly wants to know or has not been aggressive to me. but sometimes i just dont have the time for schooling.
i think you are right and she hears her queenly voice as normal. yet, it is an utterly condescending voice and an unbearably know it all attitude, and coupled with a few things i haven't written here, as well as her husbands bullshit with me, i really dont care how she hears her own voice anymore, as long as she keeps it away from me.
you have to understand. i'm very kind and understanding and gentle until i feel someone is fucking with me. at that point, its war and i become a wholly different sort. i think people are not always used to that part. oh well. they should be more conscientious.
and again, i really dont mean to pin it on age. you are a whole different animal than her, even only a year apart. but inexperience and lack of exposure to many things leaves a person a bit immature in my opinion. anyway, i had to get it out. thanks for the amazing nietszche quote.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 5 de Enero, 2007 at 09:20 PM
Nezua Limón Xolagrafik-Jonez | dijo:
cero, i'm glad this could be therapeutic for you.
i have a very hard time watching children being raised in a way that will harm them...even if only by shaping poor attitudes or a lack of self-sufficiency, and especially Especially being abused, even by "rudeness."
Palabras por Nezua Limón Xolagrafik-Jonez | spat forth on el 5 de Enero, 2007 at 09:23 PM
Professor Zero dijo:
Very interesting. And yes, Nietzche quotation is very good.
Shut up or lash out - I've got the tendency, both my parents are that way - and yes, I tend towards politeness, & learned later in live to be assertive - but when regular assertiveness doesn't work, and you have to get VERY FIRM, I do it, but feel terrible. I never quite know when I've just been firm because I had to, or whether I've lashed out ... or whether (the third possibility) I have just voiced an original, scary-to-the- listener, thought.
Ways of kids being raised, yes, it is h***. To rant about this particular person, her worst thing re the kids:
She was trying to get me to participate in telling son to get a second girlfriend. Why: girlfriend has job 50 miles away and lives near work. Mom thinks that is insufficient dedication to her son, and he should be stepping out. What she said to him, specifically: if she keeps that job, she doesn't love you. Then turned to me and said, isn't that right, Z? She doesn't love him. You're a professor, shouldn't he be making the most of his college experience by always having an easy access girlfriend? I was MORTIFIED.
Palabras por Professor Zero spat forth on el 6 de Enero, 2007 at 12:27 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
of course you see that the mother is afraid of the attachment that must be behind a son's loyalty to a girl far away. a new bang would mean the old loyalty was killed. she is trying to keep the loss of him—to the more important wifewoman who will replace Mother—at bay.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 6 de Enero, 2007 at 10:01 PM
Professor Zero dijo:
Yes. Enmeshed Mama!
Palabras por Professor Zero spat forth on el 7 de Enero, 2007 at 11:24 AM
abw dijo:
Nezua, you probably did not do enough with this "entitlement" expecting "woman."Note that I say woman loosely. More like whiny, bratty little baby/girl. The thing that stands out to me about pushy people like this is that they don't really have it in them to want to change in many instances until "life-situations"(like karma paying them back for past misdeeds) comes and knicks them in the rear end. Or they get confronted and stood up to. You were dealing with someone who would have found a way to snub you because it is in them to be jerks. Truly,although this was race-based- if it wasn't your background or race, it would have been something else. It IS good you stood up for yourself and for the record-nothing less than your "hot-temper" is needed in alot of situations like this.
Palabras por abw spat forth on el 1 de Septiembre, 2007 at 11:54 AM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez
dijo:
thank you abw. it's been months now. we no longer live in the same area, circle, and i don't see or talk to her. and have not since that day. it was a "small" thing, but many small things add up to build walls that i am no interested in banging mi cabeza on.
thanks a lot for the backup, mujer.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez
spat forth on el 1 de Septiembre, 2007 at 12:05 PM