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14 de Marzo, 2007
Evil Al-Qaeda Mastermind Admits to Inciting Crack Epidemic
Categorized under Hipnotismo , Iraq the Casbah | Tags:
THE ALLEGED MASTERMIND behind the 9/11 attacks, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, admitted complete responsibility according to transcripts released by the Pentagon today.
"It's all true. I was responsible for the 9/11 Operation, from A to Z," he said, not looking tortured at all. Details were made available to The Unapologetic Mexican immediately after the completion of an ["edited by the Pentagon for narrative clarity"] transcript of a Saturday "Chat Sesh" at the Guantanamo military prison camp.
"Thank the Lord and all the angels above that Alberto Gonzales has gone to so much trouble to normalize torture, is all I can say!" exclaimed a Pentagon spokesman, who declined to be named on the basis of his fear of being held accountable for things he has said out loud. "Today's confession completely validates the so-called "tortorous" methods that I can neither confirm nor deny are in use at Guantanamo!"
Reuters reported that Mohammed further claimed responsibility for "a 1993 attack on New York's World Trade Center, the bombing of a nightclub in Bali, the downing of the Hindenberg, the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln, and co-screenwriting credit for Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11."
"We're all extremely shocked that this man is so thoroughly Bad. I mean, he's the baddest of Bad Guys. I mean look at him," said Vice President Dick Cheney, pointing to the only photograph of Mohammed that exists. He curled his lip. "He's filthy. And far more sinister than Alberto Gonzales."
A press conference was held shortly after the release of the transcript. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow chided the press for not having "believed in the methods of your Commander." He then added, in a grandfatherly tone, "Maybe now we can stop all this talk of melting temperatures of steel, demolitions, and ooooh ooh [makes eyes big and scared looking, waves hands up in air] 'what happened to Building 7', and you know. Overblown Personnel Matters. Let's get back to What's important. Shopping, and trusting our Decider!"
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Comentarios (7)
Kai dijo:
Hehe, good one, Nez, I like the contemptuous Onion-y style...
And yeah I thought I was done with this guy and having to look at the most-unflattering-cameo-potrait ever...
Palabras por Kai spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 04:33 AM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
he's baaaaaack!
thanks bro.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 06:33 AM
kactus dijo:
yeah, my local paper reported on this today, with total lack of irony. Doesn't it occur to them that maybe, just maybe, he might be exaggerating a little bit? He's claiming responsibility for just about every crime committed in the past 30 years, including assassination attempts on Jimmy Carter and a pope. And only after being in secret prisons for four years. Jesus.
Palabras por kactus spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 09:39 AM
Ill Do Chay dijo:
Hey, he stole my lunch money, too.
What, politicizing the judiciary? I neve...wait, look! Shiny object! A timely confession from T Bogey Mann!
Palabras por Ill Do Chay spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 09:52 AM
Blackamazon dijo:
You forgot he's also KEyser Soyze
Palabras por Blackamazon spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 11:09 AM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
i thought he looked familiar.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 02:19 PM
Rosie dijo:
This whole thing has "coming back to bite the US in the ass" written all over it. I wonder how many other "confessions" of this sort are taking up file space in Gitmo.
Palabras por Rosie spat forth on el 15 de Marzo, 2007 at 06:59 PM