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10 de Junio, 2007
June 10 and I'm Half Gone
Categorized under Chronicles of Nezua | Tags: My Life
BUT ONLY A THIRD OF THE WAY through June. At this point, discussions and activities in the blogworld have begun to fade, to jerkily retract, I don't have as much time between the baby and my work and trying to keep my little family together in the face of upheaval. This morning, rather than dive into a post I hoped to finish, I spent a long time on a thread because I felt it deserved my attention. And I could/should get into one or two other threads, at least to acquaint myself with what everyone is being passionate about lately, but my life at home has become unstable and scary and dysfunctional and long, protracted talks in threads suddenly seems...luxurious. And frankly, unimportant in the face of what is unfolding in my house. Well...again, not "my" house. And that's part of the stress. There are multiple members of this household who do not like me, my kind, or the fact that my wife now sides with her husband, instead of the family vs. her husband. They "don't know her anymore," and Rudy is now out of jail and I woke up at five am because he and his girlfriend were talking loudly outside the bedroom door, drinking and playing punk music. I had words with Rudy, and perhaps harsher than I would have liked to, but I woke up at 5:30 and heard this raucous music and loud talking and realized he was back, and just couldn't believe that even he and his gf could be so insensitive when a little baby was sleeping behind the door. I even loaned her my headphones last night so that she wouldn't have to keep the volume low.
There are 20 days to go in the month, and I suddenly realize that there is no way we can make it for that long. Not like this. And the angst is back, the tremble, the racy head, the coiled knot in my belly that threatens to explode and dissolve what little peace is left here. Of course I imagined this would happen when Rudy got out of jail and came back to the house. But it's one thing to imagine, and another to live something.
I do wish I had finished, already, the post I've been working on for a few days. Then you'd understand more about my hands shaking right now. But I don't have time, even, to get into that.
Mi novia is very freaked out...and this always completely blows my calm. It's hard for me to feel at ease when she is angry like she is. In fact (and again, this goes back to the post I've been working on), anger is extremely, extremely, terribly disruptive to my system. It throws me into a state where....well, my hands shake. And when you don't have your own house to live in, and you must retreat, shaking, to a room and ignore the fact that everyone wishes you weren't there, and acts that way half the time.... She won't even tell me what she overheard this morning that she confronted and got into a fight with her mother and Rudy about. She is afraid it will make me too angry.
We have to get out. We have to find a way to get out even for temporary, until the end of the month. A motel would eat up our savings so far, can't do that. So, better, we need to find a place and get in early. Or late? (June). Something. But I fear I will not be able to swallow any more of this vibe. I filled up a long time ago on such...crap. On such hate, or even anger, or intense negativity. I now fear this situation is going to blow up.
I don't want to get you too worried. I'm sure I'll calm down. I should spend time on Craigslist now, and put off my web work for even another hour or two. Maybe I can find a place that will let us rent halfway through the month, or whatever, pro-rate it.
I'm hoping if we retreat to whatever corner of the house we can, people will be smart enough to leave us alone and try to keep things copacetic...for the whole house's sake. The idea was for Rudy to be with his girlfriend out in the trailer next to the house, but of course that's asking too much from royalty. Much better to cram a skinhead and a xicano in the same dwelling space oh yeah.
If you only knew how unbearable these moments are when they come. I feel as if I could reach down and grab my own ribcage and yank it apart until my guts drop out, as if the hollow feeling would be welcome, rather than this hot, crawling, infection of fury, this mercury glare under my sternum. I feel as if my brain is trying to come up out of my head, and my guts are crawling into my heart cavity. I feel like my saliva has soured into nitroglycerin, capillaries shrinking into steel.
So, I should update you on the rest of the June Challenge situation Some you already know from reading this post, clearly. I don't know the finances. I have to sit down and talk and find out what the lay of the land is. I am also going to write each person who sent me something, so forgive me if that's a tiny bit late. But I want to do it. Because I really appreciate the help, the sentiment, all of it.
I wanted to be a bit further than I am on site work. On graphic design jobs. It's going slower than I wanted. Not in any danger of falling too behind yet. But I just wanted to be zipping through. Things started to look good overall, as if we could pull it together, make it work, and even get along with the whole house. But of course, we have detoured. Of course we have detoured. That would have been too easy! 20 days left, and we have serious leaks in the hull, Jim. Serious fucking leaks.
So that's my update. Not too smooth, a little jagged, probably incomplete. One pm and suddenly I want to be dead drunk. Instead of staring into the corner of a room that I wish were a tunnel to another place. To any place, maybe another house, maybe even Home. Wherever the hell that is.
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Comentarios (17)
Pat Logan dijo:
Hang in there.
Palabras por Pat Logan spat forth on el 10 de Junio, 2007 at 03:54 PM
NLinStPaul dijo:
I wish there was more I could do...but sending you my support and best wishes is what I have for now. And maybe some music to sooth the soul. Not sure if a Red-Headed White Guy is the ticket, but this is the song I thought of when I read your piece. Then again, maybe some Ozomatli will do the trick.
And I'm someone fairly committed to non-violence, but I know that others would join me in wishing we could come out there and kick a little "sense" into Mr. Rudy's ass.
Palabras por NLinStPaul spat forth on el 10 de Junio, 2007 at 03:55 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
thank you both.
NL, i'm not so much worried about that. i feel confident if it came to it, i could completely take care of him. but even being in this situation, well. it's not that i need help beating anybody up. i just dont want to live in hate, tension, anger. i cannot. and kicking his ass in whatever form would only make it worse.
but i DO appreciate that sentiment. :)
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 10 de Junio, 2007 at 03:59 PM
RickB dijo:
A message to you Rudy -The Specials
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGDQ85Dg-ss
Not only does this go to the soul (that poor youtube poster was soul deaf), it moves your ass!
Might cheer you up.
Palabras por RickB spat forth on el 10 de Junio, 2007 at 04:46 PM
Deoridhe dijo:
I'll keep you in my thoughts. If you'd like, I'll ask my gods to look in on your behalf, but only if you would be comfortable with that. Lots of people, rightly for their life, aren't.
Best wishes.
Palabras por Deoridhe spat forth on el 10 de Junio, 2007 at 07:58 PM
Cero dijo:
Caray. Very hard to take, this situation. What about taking a weekend camping trip to Crater Lake or something like that? Those National Park campgrounds are practically like houses, cleaner than a house really because it's the granite peaks and green douglas firs ... you could at least meditate for a couple of days before going back to the madhouse. ?
Palabras por Cero spat forth on el 10 de Junio, 2007 at 09:25 PM
Changeseeker dijo:
When I read this post, Nezua, I posted this.
I'm sending all the love I can muster to you and your little family.
Palabras por Changeseeker spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 11:35 AM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
thank you all. very much.
--
deoridhe, i feel "god" is love, essentially. so, to my way of seeing, you've already made your prayer, and it's already been answered. and i thank you for that.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 11:51 AM
Changeseeker dijo:
Well, I just ordered three t-shirts, Nez. I considered which would be better: donating to the blog directly or buying t-shirts. I decided that it would help twice to buy the shirts: once with cash and once with advertising. Hope that was the right decision (especially since my selfish ass REALLY wants to wear these incredibly cool pieces of clothing -- sorry I couldn't help it).
Palabras por Changeseeker spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 12:49 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
well, that sounds great, changeseeker! i'm sorry i didnt get there to add more shirts and styles this weekend! so busy.
please tell me how you like them when they finally arrive, i'd l ike to know if they printed up well.
and gracias, amiga.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 01:26 PM
RC dijo:
I thought you should move out right away and stay at a campground too now that you have a car. But the computer connectivity I am not so sure about and does this work for the novia and her job?
Well, soon you will be gone, never to see the lovely Rudy again. How tragico! Perhaps you could accidentally leave some tire tracks on his chest as you drive into the unapologetic sunset, with Mariachis blaring on the car stereo. Ay! Ay! Ay!
Palabras por RC spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 02:39 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
the car is not quite on the road yet. but we are taking care of that very soon, i think. (i hope!!) and between the baby and the job, i do'nt know about camping. but you know what? if it comes to it, that may be the way to go. a last resort, but if it's that or fighting. well, i'd rather be eating dinner from cans of beans over a campfire than open a can of worms like violence in this house. and i figure if i keep myself busy and away from seeing any swastika tattoos or lost souls with stubble on they head in place of wisdom, i can avoid tire track incidents. i'd really prefer it that way.
today (monday) so far, it feels manageable. but of course, that can flip any moment around here. let's keep our hopes up.
the mariachis sound great, tho.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 03:47 PM
RC dijo:
Mariachis at dawn at a campground is one of the best things in life and you can eat caviar there and chase it with champagne on the rent you are saving. It doesn't have to be habichuelas rosadas. But are there any camps with WiFi? The camping thing is very nice actually, especially in the summer in the northwest, just buy a big enough tent to fit in the Mariachis. Whatever happens you must escape the Rudy scene soon.
Palabras por RC spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 04:06 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
es la verdad, mi amigo. es la verdad.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 11 de Junio, 2007 at 05:25 PM
Cero dijo:
I love the Mariachi idea! LOL! What are these habichuelas rosas, at home we have Santa Maria Pink Beans, and I recognized them in Zacatecas where they said they were Flor de Castilla Beans and were fascinated to hear we had them in Califas.
I would bet they *might well* have wi-fi in the lobby of the lodge at places like Crater Lake, Mt. Rainier and so on. Drink capuccino and telecommute. Babies actually camp pretty well. Anyway, I hope it stays relatively calm around there until you can vamooose.
Palabras por Cero spat forth on el 12 de Junio, 2007 at 12:30 AM
Scraps dijo:
I think about the three of you every day. I don't say so often enough, because I have nothing useful to say and mere expressions of sympathy and support sound so inadequate. I know you all will hit better times soon. We miss you.
Palabras por Scraps spat forth on el 12 de Junio, 2007 at 07:50 PM
nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez dijo:
scraps...doood. that's okay for not saying much. we really appreciate that, my friend. we miss you guys, too. damn, we shoulda hung out more.
catch you soon, bro. love to V.
Palabras por nezua limón xolagrafik-jonez spat forth on el 13 de Junio, 2007 at 01:11 PM