Tu papa sounds a wise man.

sometimes. ;) if you like, Pat, you can read him here. But don't hook up to the feed. I have to fix that.

You humble me with your heart and wisdom. And that you can access it in the midst of all you are going through right now speaks almost louder than I can hear.

A friend of mine wrote a diary a long time ago about The Bridge People. No doubt you are one of them.

i wonder if its especially important for me to remember my humanity exactly when someone else is trying to deny it.

i will follow that link in a while. i'm going out for a bit now. thank you for your words, NL.

nezua

this post

is the greatest thing

thank you

:)

*abrazos*

That is a lot of heart you put into this. It is easier for us to put up walls around a wounded heart. What makes this blog great, you are willing to up yourself time and time again. Just like you did here with this post. I feel we oftentimes dangerously put people on such a high pedestal. It is really unfair for those people we do put up there because in the end they will never live up the expectations we place on them.

The fact is being human means making mistakes and dealing with them properly. None of us are mistake free, so why should we assume that they will be everything we hoped. It is unfair to hold people to a standard that we cannot even hold ourselves.

Nez, if I unfairly placed you in that situation or expected you to handle situation in a certain way, then I have to apologize because that was never my intention. We all handle our own confrontations the best way we can. Some are more engaging than others. I think we are all learning from each, as much as you tell me that you are learning from me, the same can be said for me - I am learning from you. Isn't that what a symbiotic relationship between friends is all about - we both benefit from each other.

We may not address all the issue that matter to us, but I think we get there, it may not quick enough for some, but eventually we are getting there. Paz

I always worry about the halfway mark becoming me building the bridge for someone who then refuses to cross... but I think it's also important to keep the kindness centered.

I'm not sure I want unity. Unity frightens me; it makes me wonder what I have to give up in order to fit. It makes me wonder what evils and pain are in the shadow of a shining unity. I look for those first; even if I'm going to ignore them, I like to know what's there.

I do want friends, though, and thoughtful people who like me and stretch my mind and perspective. People I can disagree with and still invite over for breakfast the next day. People who make me a better person.

thank you trin.

--

XP, i value your input just as you have given it. don't even worry bout that. you did not place me in any unfair situation. you always provide a strong check when i'm wavering. i appreciate your strong xicano-first point of view. don't even think about altering it because of anything written here.

and i appreciate all you have said here. thanks.

--

Deoridhe, i guess we all hold our own definitions for each word, you know? and i agree. that's what i want to. people who inspire me to be my best.

Nezua,

The things you said in this post just had the dual effect of comforting me and softening some of what was hardening in me recently. (And for clarity's sake, the hardening stuff had nothing to do with anything I've experienced in the blogiverse, just saying your goodness has had an effect far and wide.)

I think about how when I first started learning about what I think sometimes gets called "radical feminism," and I was in my early twenties - I went through a period of time where I really could not be in the same room with white men. The "white" part is probably a weird thing for me to say since I'm white, but sex/gender/whatzit has always seemed intertwined with race to me, which to whatever extent that's true is credit to the people I was lucky enough to read back when I was impressionable. Anyway, point being, I loved these fucking men - they were some of the kindest, safest fellows I knew, and I just could not tolerate all the things that all of a sudden seemed to glare out at me about their status and blindness to it. It was so painful to be that angry, and I asked another women - what the fuck, is it going to be like this forever, I can't stand it, and at the same time I know my anger isn't "wrong" or a misunderstanding, not something I need to just abandon in order to have peace.

I feel like it's by the grace of *something*, I don't know, that I'm not consumed with that anger anymore. But having had that experience, it also makes me have this tenderness (I don't know if that's the right word) towards other people's anger, for example, towards me as a white person. Not that I'm immune from getting my feelings hurt or even feeling defensive, by any means. Just that I really have never met anyone who got angry because it was a really pleasurable thing to experience - generally it's how people respond to being hurt. Even out of control rageful bullies didn't just get that way out of the blue, but that's off topic. I'm glad that I have it in me to get pissed off about things that are harmful to me, I think it's a symptom of self esteem. And I think that applies to everybody else on the planet. I agree with everything you said, and especially the part about it not being up to me to tell other people "hey it's so much better to not be that angry, to have it in you to be compassionate instead of forever enraged." I don't even know that it would be technically better for anyone else! I know that sometimes I feel like there is the potential for good in everyone, and sometimes it seems obvious that I am dead wrong. And, I don't like that even jerky people are simply not going to listen to anything I have to say if I'm either yelling it or presenting it as a fuck-you. (Sidebar - thanks for saying it's okay for me to swear here, as long as it's not *at* anybody. : ) And I am continually impressed by how absent the "fuck you!", "no, fuck YOU!" volleys are on all these blogs I've gotten to read lately that are ostensibly about really prickly subject matter.) Power and force are seductive things to me - I don't want to have to convince or persuade anyone to stop participating in harm, I want to badass-them into cutting the shit already. And then I read this post, and I think - that's pretty fucking badass, to insist on the right to exercise kindness no matter how unsafe the people who are not even pretending to be your allies try to make it, or how useless they may hope to render it. Or even just how it seomtimes gets ignored. You make it safer for other people to exhibit the same kind of balls with a post like this. Thank you for that.

I've always said that one of the lefts greatest hypocrisies is when they preach tolerence while they are intolerant of viewpoints that don't match their own. Tolerance doesn't mean you have to pander to inherently racist constructs, it just means that you have to treat everyone like a human being. Resist the injustice but love the person is one of the greatest lessons MLK taught us. Good post, Nez. You're definitely putting together a really good body of work on these issues here.

Nez:

I am one of the most rage filled people I know. Not anger, rage. I lost my faith in God and trust of humans at a very early age. Suffice to say that it was sexual abuse and the shame that absolutely crushed my heart that left only space for the rage.

In the 50 odd years since, I have never been able to trust anyone, it's not an indictment of my fellow man, it's just a fact. I have done a lot of work over the years, some with pro's some on my own. My faith in God (not GOD) has been restored. I don't have so much hatred as I once did (it does still live in there, though). The rage, though, is in my marrow. I've never had children (I don't trust me, either) but I think if I did I would always worry about whether my rage was in their DNA--it's that ugly.

You might sit down with me and have a cup of coffee, or run into me at a flea market and chat about the treasure to be had there. You might think, "What a garrulous old fart" or "Jeez, he looks like my uncle, 'cept much pinker". But then, perhaps one sentence about politics or immigration or race might be overheard by me, coming from you (not you, you) and I would become someone you could not know, ever. Rage is a transformative emotion, it changes me into an animal--not a physically dangerous one, just an unreasoning being. Rage trumps reason, compassion and love.

I have been so lucky in this life to have not been killed by someone who mistook my rage for a threat to them or, even, just been killed by the toll that rage takes on my heart and other parts of my physical being. My luck has often been in the form of laughter. Laughing, it seems, is a very hard thing to do for very long without surrendering other stuff. My sense of humor is as twisted as a wisteria vine but it's my medication.

You make me laugh like a lunatic, thanks for Rx.

i wonder if its especially important for me to remember my humanity exactly when someone else is trying to deny it.

I think it is. Because I think that's the source of kindness -- remembering who you are and understanding that plenty of people share thoughts, fears, dislikes, and joys the way you do. Even if they manifest in a very different way from your own.

I worry about discourse when it attempts to distill a human being down to a set characteristic -- not describe them, but shrink them -- because something about that rhetorical move loses the best qualities of being human. Change. Growth. And we have these mechanisms like forgiveness and kindness and solidarity and unity and mutuality, but whenever they're employed, it seems difficult to manage such a powerful good. You know? It's like...people are afraid to understand each other because this uncontrollable good may gush forth and they won't know what to do with it. How far they should spill it. They're afraid of tripping over themselves, making mistakes, returning to a raw and barren place where they barely understand themselves...

I feel like I'm speaking from way too much inexperience with good to try to figure out what that means as I work through my life and I try to help on these activist spaces. I'm young and already I feel way too hollowed out. But I do feel like commodifying understanding to the point of "it's not my job; what do I get from this?" is pretty dangerous when it starts inhibiting people -- especially friends -- from seeking the truth together. It's sad that after so many events, charred spirits can't reach a basic point of fellowship because of a consuming power lust. But how do we face the terrors and atrocities of the past and present without building fortresses to stay within those memories, that reality? There are people who don't have time for these thought experiments, that are forced to choose between unity and solipsism through figuring out how to survive each day -- but if people who are living with some provisions for themselves live in fear of losing it, of losing everything, how do we reach the point where that reconciliatory spirit wins out?

(rambly and lengthy freewrite, sorry)

First time commenter here...I am a fan of your lengthy and thoughtful discussions on race issues. This post really hit home with me because as I read conversations (more like raging debates) about race relations, I often notice the walls some people build up around themselves. The pain of past injustices puts a lot of people on the defensive, and it is very difficult to stay calm when confronted with ignorance.

Even so, pointing fingers at "white people" only serves to immediately put them on the defensive and, I believe, unfairly limits the discussion to one of blame and accountability instead of mutual understanding. Both are necessary, yes. There is indeed a problem with some people in this country who choose to remain blind, and I firmly believe that those who harbor racist thoughts must be held accountable. But I love seeing people of all colors participate in discussions here and elsewhere because it means they are interested. I don't think it's fair to react with hostility to a white commenter's questions when the mere fact that they are reading and discussing indicates their willingness to participate in the Great Race Discussion (though I do recognize there are also people who really are a-holes and simply inflame feelings of anger and hurt).

As someone of mixed race, I often feel torn. There are days when our society's insistence on making "white" the norm just infuriates me to no end. When I read these blogs, I have a little bit of hope that through contact and constant conversation, people will become educated about the experiences of their fellow citizens. There is no way that a white person can know what it is like to be a person of color in this country, just as a person of color will never know what it's like to be white. We should recognize our limitations in that respect and try our best to build bridges. That doesn't mean we have to hold anyone's hand and help them cross it, but you are right--reaching out benefits the world, not just one person.

Again, this post was beautiful and I love your honesty and candor!

Nez:

Sorry. I have been racing around for the last several days and thought we were sorta still on the subject of just plain old fashioned madding. I think you know as well as I've been able to say it (and I'm confused sometimes) that I think of racism as being one of the most deadly and insidious "isms" that infects society. I will say that the level of discourse frequently ratchets from: "you seem like a decent person (for someone who's not as white as me)" to "I hate it when you fuckers get all pissy about shit that happened a long time ago." in about three minutes.

As much as I want to see the dialogue at the level of national politics I'm much more concerned with just trying to present a mirror to the people I deal with, and for them to do the same. Human kindness & compassion did not originate with Jesus. It originated with the first altruistic gesture by some proto human primate--back when we were all brown and hairy (shit, I'm neither, anymore). Vaya con QuetzalCoatl

democommie, i see nothing for you to be sorry for. and i think you will see from the post i'm working on next (don't know if it will post next, but it's very related to your first comment on this page) that i feel i understand where you are coming from very well. thanks for your comments and mostly the Vaya Con Quetzalcoatl! that was great.

--

everyone else, as well: jessabean (¡bienvenida!), sylvia, Joan Kelly, Kyle—your comments have added so much to this post. thank you.

Deoridhe, i guess we all hold our own definitions for each word, you know?

Yeah. And I like the unity I see you describing, where that's ok.

You made me cry, Nez. From my heart.

This is one I've been struggling with for a while. That line between where it's not your job to shepherd people through all the time and where you feel like if you just explained it a bit better, you'd really get somewhere.

The way I've resolved it is, like I was saying at Kevin's... it takes all kinds. You don't have to be everything to everyone, and whatever you do, whether's it's yelling and screaming, laying down in front of bulldozers, meticulously planning out events, drawing metamaps of conversations, burying your nose in theory, or sitting down with confused but well-meaning people and taking them through things one baby step at a time... whatever that strength is, it's needed. We are all of us the ones the world needs.

yes, magniloquence. i too, feel i am no longer "struggling" with it. it's a good feeling.

Thank you, everyone. This spoke to me very deeply.

Especially what Deoridhe said, about what will I have to give up to cross that bridge. So much that I have fought so hard for hangs by a thread. I can't give it up without giving up my own self. Yet, In some instances, I feel I have to check it at the door to be a part of the conversation. Either part of the Posse or part of the Unity.

So, I feel part of neither.

Forgiveness has been such an unattainable goal for me. I have worked so hard at it. I can say the words easily, but the harm never goes away. This builds up as rage and I am so burdened by my rage that I cannot think straight anymore, it consumes me. Maybe that's all that's left of me and anything else I say is just inertia from following the path of the (truly) good person.

I cannot escape the racism that has been drilled into me from such an early age and on and on and on throughout my life. The thoughts that go on through my head are terrifying and I fear at every moment that they'll escape without my knowing it. And I don't want to live like that. I can't live like that. I know there is a commonality among white people, though every white person I've spoken to has denied having the unbidden thoughts I do. So, am I alone with that? Is that something unique to me?

Not too long ago I posted at Donna's place about how I am not to be trusted. Nobody really said anything about it, maybe too much information or just not the right place and time to say it or maybe not anybody's problem to deal with it but my own, but I can't deal with it on my own and all my therapists have no answers.

I know I'm sick, and maybe that's why. Like a cruel internalized, um, whatever that illness is that causes people to shout out words (except that's a rare form of it) but I can't think of the name of it right at the moment. That's just one aspect of my illness, but one that hurts others and hurts myself because that's not who I am, or not who I want to be, or not who I think I am.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tired of the fights and the denials and the way people turn things around on other people to absolve themselves. I'm tired of the defensiveness, especially my own, but I don't know any other ways to hold what little there is of myself together. A lot of us are hurting so deeply.

How can we possibly let each other in?

You've said a few times how you have to get out of this place (the Pacific Northwest) and I can understand that. I live here too. I can't leave, though, because I'm tied by the benefits that keep me alive and housed and I don't have a way to survive on my own. It breaks my heart, though, to hear you say that (which isn't to say that you shouldn't say it, because it's so very true).

I'm so fucking lonely. I remember reading once that the internet actually makes people feel more lonely. For me, I know why. Because I see all of you and I want to love you and hold you and give you peace that I can't find for myself and somehow have that returned, but I can't do that and it feels so unreal, the blogcrushes and the words we say to each other to comfort. They don't mean anything. They don't feel real.

Though, I also know that when I've reached out to people and when people have reached out to me in 3D as you say it hasn't felt real then either.

I just really do feel dead inside from all of this, because even if I'm not a part of it, I see people who are one day friends become sworn enemies. In an instant. It's all retraumatizing for me to watch it all, to be disassociated from it all, yet feeling so much like this all matters somehow and we're slowly tearing each other apart.

There have been some posts about healing when these things happen, but so few of them. And though they seem to get good reactions from people, in a week, there will be another set of people who aren't talking to each other anymore because someone did someone harm.

Why does it feel like it's our very nature to hurt each other?

thank you for your heart and words, DI. i am sorry to hear you feel dead inside. and i don't even like typing out the name. because i believe in the power of words and self-talk and the way we label ourselves. maybe i shall think of you as a cocoon, then. because those lie dormant, but come back to life one day, too.

the internet is not enough, when it comes to love. we need humans in our life. and while i know this is true, i also know i do'nt type words that mean nothing. at least not to me. so please consider these as ones i do really mean. i'm glad you're here. and i'm glad you keep trying. even when it hurts.

yes, it is in our nature to hurt each other. but you know, it is also in our nature to love each other. i suppose this is what choice means. and hope. and i hope on some level, you know what i mean.

love,
Nez

What a great post and equally great comments. I've been in both worlds, the white and the brown. In the white I belonged to the majority and in the brown I belong to the minority when it comes to percentage of melanin. I've encountered a lot of injustice in both worlds and been the victim of it in both worlds, although I do my best to avoid dwelling in the sensation of victimization for more than a few days, as that leads quickly to rage. I "get over it" fast. I have become old and philosophical at last.
Nez, I have a special request: even though I am still very near-sighted and CAN read the commentary text, it is not comfortable. Can you make it a little bigger?
Thanks.
After many years on the planet I have this to impart: it isn't about black/brown/yellow/red/white or rich/poor or native/foreign. It comes down to a very simple and ridiculous construct: people who have some degree of consciousness and are looking for more and the assholes who don't even realize that we are here to do that.
Jeez, excuse me, there was just a horrible noise at my fan and it seems a lizard ran inside there and had his head lopped off leaving a bloody mess in there.
Perhaps an omen?

RC, have you seen this page?

RC, maybe that was the Hard Drive-n Fallacious Lizard of Bifurcation?

Oh Nez, thank you for the guide to the squigglies and I shall be using them. I had read about the background change recently and I did try that out, but did not figure out the rest of the magic with the fonts and type size.
The lizard was decapitated and other parts of the former him/her were neatly and gorily distributed about the inner walls of the box fan. It was not a simple bifurcation nor an omen of one I would expect. Fortunately the lizard was perhaps 5 inches only and not 5 feet like the iguanas in the yard. When those babies leap out of the trees and land on you like a sack of potatoes you might need hospitalization. And they have claws like bears. I'm off to try the squiggly thing now.

The HUGE font turns out to be just right for older readers. Thanks.

i'm so glad that 25 hours or so of stylesheeting is still paying off. i love it when people who want to read here can have a comfortable experience as they do so. i'm glad the "huge" font works well for you.

The huge font is also good for this non-older reader! I don't use it all the time, but something about my work computer just makes it near impossible to read you without changing the size. Stupid monitor placed too far away for non-glasses reading but too close for healthy glasses reading... *grumbles*

either way, i'm glad there's a solution for you! the hardest part about web design is that it's not like a canvas where can—aside from variations that occur within human brains and perceptual frames—be sure that what you paint is what people see. your painting can shift depending on who views it, here, on whose screen and software and hardware you filter it through. so when i finally researched that stylesheet script and got this down, it really eased my mind.

DI: Why does it feel like it's our very nature to hurt each other?

I think it's because we care so much and we are so wounded and scared and angry - so it comes out in the faces of those we love most and then we beat ourselves up and it gets worse and worse and worse... And to protect ourselves. To make ourselves smaller, so we fit into a world built by other people. But it hurts, and disliking yourself for it hurts more.

I can't even know what you're going through, DI. No one else ever can truly know what is in another person's heart and soul or walk their life path. But I am sad to hear that you are beating yourself up, and I wish I could help.

There are two things I've found which help; maybe they will help you too. The first is to remember that a fight isn't necessarily the end of a relationship, it can be a step toward a deeper one. I find that it is when people disagree with me and I need to deal with that and not lose me and not lose them that I become a bigger person, more able to hold multiple perspectives and more able to walk away from a fight saying, "So, what do I want to make better, greater, bigger, brighter, darker?"

The second is to remember that even a selfish, childish, irresponsible, vapid, flaky, insipid, idiotic, self-centered creature like me (please insert your own adjectives, those are mine ;) ) is lovable and valuable and worth both the ground I stand on and the air I breathe. I try to remember to be compassionate toward myself - not excusing bad behavior, but not insulting myself either.

*coughs* The second is the harder one, but I've found as I'm less hard on myself I become less hard on other people. As I become compassionate toward myself, it is easier to be compassionate toward other people. As I grow to understand myself, it is easier to open the door and cross the bridge to understand other people.

It hurts, but often it's the good hurt of a long-stiff muscle being stretched. And when it hurts too much, I try to be kind to myself, and gentle, and give myself cuddles and water and prettiness.

Your life isn't mine, and your path isn't my path, but I've found those things help me when I'm broken and torn. I hope they, or something else, can help you.

Dead Inside,

You said

I cannot escape the racism that has been drilled into me from such an early age and on and on and on throughout my life. The thoughts that go on through my head are terrifying and I fear at every moment that they'll escape without my knowing it.

I do recognize those horrible feelings and thoughts within myself. It's like another part of my brain that tries to grab the controls sometimes. Please don't feel alone in that. We are raised to be killers. Who is healthier, a killer with terrible dreams? Or a happy, high-functioning killer?

You may feel the pull of the current more strongly than people who are floating along with it. In my own better moments I'm very suspicious of external struggles against "evil." I don't need to go looking for it. I'm walking around with plenty of my own.

You don't know me, maybe this is too personal, and I'm fearful of posting for any number of reasons. But it says here "kick it, ése" and I'll try to draw strength from that.

DI, rage is not all that is left of you. that is a complete falsehood. i know rage. and i have plenty of memories of how you have been in here. yes, you are very sensitive (like me!), and your passion rules you sometimes. this is heart. i see it as heart! and care! even with rage, you can still have love, and care, and a desire for good. and you do! must one cancel the other at all times?

and how do you know you "cannot escape the racism"? unless you m ean, which i think you do, that you fear you can't escape it? or that so far you havent. or that you feel as if you cannot.

this is what i mean about positive self-talk. now, i'm not trying to play counselor on you. but these things matter, what we say to ourselves. "I'm dead inside. I will never escape. There's nothing left of me but rage."

These things matter. Try some other words. Please. Not in here, I'm not saying how you have to speak or think of yourself in here. you are free to be what you've been, be who've you been in here. To grow at your own rate. But try some of this on your own. Maybe just cock an ear to the words you say. Instill a view, a check on what you are saying. Just begin to listen, maybe. Forgive my presumptuousness...I am only asking you to try it out. Because If your talk and writing is filled with "I can't escape" and "I'm dead inside" then what will cahnge your mind? If you dictate this picture of yourself, what could possibly change it? i only suggest slight tweaks, a habit instilled. i've done it. i say it makes a difference.

something "dead inside" does not feel "lonely." as you said. it feels nada. when you said, "I feel so lonely" i felt that. that's how you let people inside, as you asked. and me writing this post was "letting people inside." trusting them.

and hey on the racism that still lives in your head, okay! you begin by being aware. and then with effort. and if while you are here, something slips out, so what? i say you are a friend. what will happen if the "Terrible words" in your head escape? what will you say about me? would you let loose thinking that is stereotyped or racist? would i not remember your energy, how you've stood by me before? how you care so much about what you talk about? would i throw it all away because there was some clutter in your mind? no. and that is really kidn of what this post is all about!

"you can't be trusted"? not true. you can be. and you are. that's why you speak in here freely. because you are. that's why i do'nt moderate you. because i trust you. and if you fail, i'll give you another chance. because i'd want that from you.

there may be nothing i can do to combat the extremeness that frames your thoughts from time to time. the either/or intensity of feeling. because as someone said above, i cannot know your path, your particular struggle, your pain. but i know willingness begins it. and you have that.

be easy, friend. be easy on yourself. be soft with yourself. give yourself some love. have some of mine.

yes, Joan. I know about the tenderness. i feel it, too. this is one more thing that is in the post i've been working on here and there for a few days. that empathy, when you see someone hurt like you feel you have been. someone broken like you once feared you were. someone damaged like you have been. this is empathy. this is recognizing the "I" in all of us.

and i know what you mean by "hardening." maybe we are riding the same wave. because that's sort of attached to me writing this. i don't want to harden in that way. i dont want the conversations we are having out here to continue hardening. i dont want divisions to harden. i want some more flow, some more wind, some more ocean, some more flex, some more movement.

Sylvia, I didn't comment on your comment simply because the whole thing is fantastic and all i can do is nod.

Jessabean,

I don't think it's fair to react with hostility to a white commenter's questions when the mere fact that they are reading and discussing indicates their willingness to participate in the Great Race Discussion (though I do recognize there are also people who really are a-holes and simply inflame feelings of anger and hurt).

yes, let's assume the parenthetical to be a given for a moment. because this type of guard, or assumptioni is far too often the standard out here. and that's part of what my last two posts are trying to address. the guards are important, here for a reason, they can not come all the way down all the time. but if the guards are up all the time, who can get in? and who the hell would want to?

don't we want that? i know that's a personal question. but i know how to be alone and angry and protected. that's not the life i'm looking for. i won't rush it. and it's come slow, and sometimes so slow, i feel like DI, that i'm forever ruined in ways. but i won't say that. and i won't conclude that. and i will still try. to let others in. to help them, even maybe when they don't "deserve" it sometimes.

and that's what i mean. if someone doesn't know...i want them to learn. we are all teachers, some more than others, or at least some more consciously. and i've always been a bit like that. so i just see it (for myself) as part of what i'm here for. some teach me, and then, i teach others. and i not only teach them by what i show them. i teach them by the fact i'm willing to show them.

and maybe that lesson is the most helpful in these types of efforts, these attempts to grow, and heal the divisions we all claim are tearing us apart so badly.

finally, thank you for showin up and thanks for your words on my post.

DI:

I was going around for about 43 years, filled with rage and not aware of it. Wny none of my counselors ever mentioned it to me is a question I'll ask of them if I ever see them again.

An AA freind of mine (we met at an ACOA meeting--all you "Friends of Bill" out there know what this is about, for the rest, imagine very cheap "group") got into a little cross-talk one night (a very wise man, he was) and stopped me. I had been talking about how "angry" I was about my life. He said "you're not angry, you're enraged". This is funny now, I got pissed off at him for presuming to know my problems.

Knowing I am filled with rage does not make it go away. Unless I can find the cinch strap that keeps that burden on my soul I will never be able to let go of it. Knowing of my rage, though, informs my responses. When I know shit is getting weird I can, at least sometimes, disengage. Racism, to me, is a form of rage--passed down from generation to generation--which can only deny our equality by letting us hate the "other".

Just work on yourself, you get better and the world gets better with you, one touch at a time.

Nez:

Um,hmmmm.

DI, after reading your comment, I put up a little something at my place which I'd like to dedicate to you and to this thread, hopefully without being presumptuous or assuming because I have no right to tell anyone what to do or how to deal; I'm only trying to spread some love, in a way that I know how, following Nez's lead. In these often bitter and confusing and heartbreaking times, I feel like all of us, who are doing as best as we can against impossible odds, can always use a few good deep slow breathes full of love and bliss and gentle spacious openness of the heart. It might not change the world, but it sure makes the world easier to deal with, if ya ask me. Namaste, friends.

That is awesome, Kai, I'm linking it on my blog. I think everyone needs to read that.

I find myself in the role of educator, a strange circumstance, but as a white woman coming from New York (a well integrated high school on Long Island and a multiculti neighborhood in Queens at that)to Colorado I have found there is a good amount of ignorance that does need to be addressed.

The post is amazing and moving as are the comments. It is often wearying to deal with other people's racism since it is frequently so casual. When you criticze it or try to turn it around you take a casual situation and make it very serious. It is hard to know how to deal with that and very hard to know when to pick you battles so to speak.

I think there is something about privilege, that even when you try to talk about it a lot of well-meaning white people do not understand what you mean. Privilege is only experienced as civility and politeness and it is assumed to be extended to everyone. (This assumption is, of course, preposterous) When you experience it as mere civility and someone else describes it as a privilege it does not ring true and can be incredibly hard to come to terms with. Also the solution from that perspective would be to be sure to include everyone in privilege or "civility". This impulse is frequently met with resistance as it is viewed as an attempt at assimilation and the creation of a standard that is based on whiteness as opposed to a standard that is based on "civility"(and may in fact be that for some people). A lot of the disconnect and misommunication I have personally seen comes these very basic misunderstanding.

Thank you, everyone. I won't say anymore cause this isn't about me and I already feel I've imposed too much. I appreciate very much everyone's thoughts and your words and your sharing and your love.

and in the end...
the love you take
will be equal
to
the
love...you make

—beatles