The victimhood syndrome buzzwords — “disenfranchised,” “marginalized” and “voiceless” — don’t resonate with him.

How about "overlooked"? Does that "resonate" with him? Would he be an Angrier White Male if nobody cared about the massive (and angry and white) hand which will pull the deciding lever on election day? Would this anti-victim sort of gentleman furiously type up a seething and sulky diatribe about how powerful he reeeeeeeally is? Or are such frustrated missives that flither in the breeze of impotence a realm only inhabitated by the "marginalized?"

“Press ‘one’ for English” is a curse-word to him. He’s used to picking up the tab, whether it’s the company Christmas party, three sets of braces, three college educations or a beautiful wedding.

But what about the second and third Beautiful Weddings? ...is the Angry White Man not going to pay for them?

Cheapskate!

He believes the Constitution is to be interpreted literally, not as a “living document” open to the whims and vagaries of a panel of judges who have never worked an honest day in their lives.

OH NOOOOES! ANGRY WHITE PARADOX AHEAD! Cuz....what if the judges are Angry White Men, too? I'd be careful about telling them they haven't worked an honest day in their lives. (They might come pick up ya tab! Three times!) And I hate to break it to you, Angry White Man: the very rights you claim to defend with your Big Black Gun and the very "Constitution" you rally behind are only enforced because of (Angry White Drumroll) . . . judges!

The Angry White Man owns firearms, and he’s willing to pick up a gun to defend his home and his country. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone who needs killing really doesn’t bother him.

Me neither. As long as the someone he's killing so unfeelingly is another Angry White Man. I say let the majority take out their violent insecurities on each other.

But anyway, I've got to try this, eh? I've got to begin to write more like these Angry White Menz. Feel the power of the Free Press. I'm on it. Yeah. I'll write stuff like "The Unapologetic Mexican is willing to lay down his bowl of frijoles to defend the tomatos of others, and the thought of killing someone who needs killing really doesn't bother him. It only makes him flare a nostril just the slightest bit." Maybe then I can get a yob as a regular columnist at the Aspen Times Weekly, like Angry White Man Gary Hubbell.

The Angry White Man is not a metrosexual, a homosexual or a victim.

Perhaps true. Although to be fair, Gary, the Angry White Man has often turned out to be a victimizer, a hotel-room meth freaker, a closet pedophile/public priest, and worst of all, a Preemptive Invader! I think if I had to choose...I'd take a ride on the metro.

Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina — he got his people together and got the hell out, then went back in to rescue those too helpless and stupid to help themselves, often as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter.

Well, as Mister Hubbell proves, a White Man may be Angry, but that doesn't mean he is without compassion. Bless his heart.

His last name and religion don’t matter. His background might be Italian, English, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, or Russian, and he might have Cherokee, Mexican, or Puerto Rican mixed in, but he considers himself a white American.

Well, he'd have to consider himself a White American! Otherwise, he'd be The Angry Puerto Rican, who probably wouldn't have a regular column in the Aspen Times Weekly, even if he, too, claimed that he didn't mind a little killin'. You know, as long as its someone "who needs killing."

And seeing as how the Angry White Man's "last name and religion don't matter" I guess I'll just call the next Angry White Man I see "Mister Hussein, devout Mormon." It's good to know that he just won't care.

He’s a man’s man, the kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, hunt white-tailed deer, call turkeys, play golf, spend a few bucks at a strip club once in a blue moon, change his own oil and build things.

Eloquent and meaningful sentences, however, are not one of those "things."

Man, I remember once I saw some dude playing poker and simultaneously watching football on a portable TV while he was hunting white-tailed deer and looking left to right through the thorn bushes for the sight of a naked cocktail waitress. It was just about the freakiest thing I ever saw. Until he began changing his own oil. If only I'd known there was actually a voting bloc behind all of his choices.

He coaches baseball, soccer and football teams and doesn’t ask for a penny.

Exceeeeept for the Minnesota League of Begging Soccer Dads. I hear that the whole penny shtick is what they are known for.

And we can't forget when the Angry White Man needs trilliions for his illegal war and won't even list it on the budget. Then he will ask for a penny. Or a few pennies. Billions of pennies. Billions and billions and billions of pennies. So many pennies, we may as well call them dollars. And so many of those dollars that he bankrupts the economy and degrades the dollar, itself!

Hey. But at least he's Angry and White!

He’s the kind of guy who can put an addition on his house with a couple of friends, drill an oil well, weld a new bumper for his truck, design a factory and publish books.

Surrre, but does he like Pina Coladas? And getting caught in the rain? Is he much into health food? And anyway, what the hell happened to his old truck bumper? Did he pull an Angry White Man move on the highway?

He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of coal and get it to the power plant on time so that you keep the lights on and never know what it took to flip that light switch.

Wow! So crazy, I actually heard that line in Johnny Cash's voice. But what I'm wondering is...does he stay angry the whole time? It sounds so draining. But HIM! He sounds rather mystifying! So let me get this straight. The Angry White Man actually brings heapings of fuel while he instills ignorance in the minds of lightswitch-flippers? I mean, what if you already know what it takes to flip the lightswitch? When the Angry White Man comes driving his 100.000 tons of coal up the mountain with his six white horses frothing and snorting...do you suddenly forget that your finger will flick a switch?

Damn. It's like Santa, but with mind powers.

Women either love him or hate him, but they know he’s a man, not a dishrag.

They can tell, because dishrags don't get angry. They only get stiff or squishy. And you can tell they are dishrags because they come in colors! Unlike the Angry Pink White Man.

If they’re looking for someone to walk all over, they’ve got the wrong guy. He stands up straight, opens doors for women and says “Yes, sir” and “No, ma’am.”

So, you can tell he's not a dishrag, but sometimes you wonder if he's just an Angry White Robot, which also is known to stand up straight and perform simple commands. Except when they are smokin' Robots, in which case they will immediately change their own oil.

He might be a Republican and he might be a Democrat; he might be a Libertarian or a Green. He knows that his wife is more emotional than rational, and he guides the family in a rational manner.

The Angry White Man does not use cruise control for such guidance. Cruise control is for robots. The Angry White Man sees you when you're sleeping. And he knows when you're awake. And then he guides you. Rationally. But if someone needs to be killed, he'll do that too.

He’s not a racist, but he is annoyed and disappointed when people of certain backgrounds exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their race. He’s willing to give everybody a fair chance if they work hard, play by the rules and learn English.

The Angry White Man is also not an antelope, but he sure gets annoyed when ants run rampant on his picnic basket without speaking English!

PS, "the rules" are written in Nahua, but the Angry White Man doesn't care, because he is too busy designing factories and publishing books to read much. And besides all that, he doesn't mind a little killing, if killing somebody is what's needed. Doesn't bother him at all! Not half as much as hearing a word for which he has not learned the meaning.

Most important, the Angry White Man is pissed off.

This is what is most important, because if he weren't, he might be mistaken for the Scared White Man. And the Scared White Man doesnt weld truck bumpers, after all! He only clings to his vehicle as if any moment it will be stripped to the ground by a passing Brown Man in Need of A White Man's Truck Bumper.

When his job site becomes flooded with illegal workers who don’t pay taxes and his wages drop like a stone, he gets righteously angry. When his job gets shipped overseas, and he has to speak to some incomprehensible idiot in India for tech support, he simmers.

But when he uses his welding set made in China, though, he positively braises. The aroma is quite scintillating.

When Al Sharpton comes on TV, leading some rally for reparations for slavery or some such nonsense, he bites his tongue and he remembers.

He remembers that his tongue has nerve endings. And is not, in the end, responsible for slavery. So he unclenches his Angry White Jaw. And wonders why the blacks don't understand they're better off from all the years of slavery. Or some such nonsense.

When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in education and law enforcement.

And isn't bothered if some killing needs to be done.

He also votes, and the Angry White Man loathes Hillary Clinton. Her voice reminds him of a shovel scraping a rock. He recoils at the mere sight of her on television. Her very image disgusts him, and he cannot fathom why anyone would want her as their leader. It’s not that she is a woman.

No, its certainly not that. Nor is it because she has breasts perhaps larger than his own. Nor is it because she can bear children, while he can only bear spoonfuls. And it's not because as a woman, she can probably last about 200 times longer during sexual congress, while he all-too quickly will become the Flaccid White Man. No, it's nothing like that. The Angry White Man's sense of revulsion toward HRC has nothing to do with her sex, after all. What does it have to do with?

It’s that she is who she is. It’s the liberal victim groups she panders to, the “poor me” attitude that she represents, her inability to give a straight answer to an honest question, his tax dollars that she wants to give to people who refuse to do anything for themselves.

These, of course, are not traits of politicians of both sexes. They only belong to Hillary Clinton. And this is why the Angry White Man goes into tiny convulsions to see her on the TV, where he would prefer to see explosions and machine gun fire and shock N awe type events. You know. Something inspiring.

There are many millions of Angry White Men. Four million Angry White Men are members of the National Rifle Association, and all of them will vote against Hillary Clinton, just as the great majority of them voted for George Bush.

Further more, those four million Angry White Men will all march to the voting booths together! With their rifles and yearly membership stickers neatly displayed! They will not accidentally touch hips!

He hopes that she will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2008, and he will make sure that she gets beaten like a drum.

—In election 2008, don’t forget Angry White Man, Gary Hubbell

And remember: the Angry White Man isn't bothered by a little drum-destruction if he happens to see a drum that needs a beating. But he is not misogynist or racist. Just hates drums with a passion. Shrewish drums, especially!

Anyway, drums are for the jungle and desert types. Now, pissed off expressions of impotence that you can barely satirize because they are so unintentionally hilarious? That is the province of the Angry White Man. (That, and the banjo.)